If you’re a bald man, there’s a good chance that you’ve heard some bald jokes in the past, probably at your own expense (although hopefully not maliciously). It may be the case if you’re a bald woman too, although many bald jokes tend to be men having a ‘friendly’ joke with other men.
As a bald man myself, I know I’ve heard a few jokes about being bald, or had some nicknames thrown my way. It’s inevitable.
But whether you’ve come here to get some ammunition for your bald friends, or you want to prepare yourself for some of the jokes you might hear about yourself, let’s look at some of the best and worst bald jokes you’ll find on the internet.
Best bald jokes
Here’s some of the best bald jokes that I’ve heard or found online. They might not be to everyone’s tastes, but consider – if these are the best, maybe bald jokes just aren’t very funny?
What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hareline.
When bald people wash their face, how far up do they go?
When did the guy leave the wig shop empty handed? Because he forgot toupee.
Don’t waste money on hair restorer. Just paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head. From a distance, they look like hares.
What do you call a plane filled with bald people? Receding airlines.
What do you call a barber that only works on bald people? An air stylist.
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens? He lost his Hedwig.
How do you call making fun of Jada Smith in front of Will? A bald move.
Why do bald people always look forward to sunny days? That’s their time to shine.
What do you call a balding web developer? A 404-head.
What do you call a bald chair? A ‘c’.
Terrible bald jokes (are these even jokes?)
Some of the jokes I’ve read or heard about bald people are downright awful. It’s like someone has really tried to stretch to find a joke about someone bald, and fallen a little flat. Still, maybe someone you know will find these terrible bald jokes funny.
I’m not saying my friend’s losing his hair, but lice are starting to picket about deforestation.
What do you call lice that live in a bald man’s head? Homeless.
What did a guy with a hairless head say when he got a comb for his birthday? Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
Why don’t bald people use keys? Because they don’t have any locks.
I didn’t know I was going bald until I asked my barber to cut my hair and he said “which one?”
Why was there a lot of controversy about the bald man’s will? Turns out he didn’t have any heirs.
Why is it so easy to guess what a bald guy is going to say? Because you can literally see what’s on their mind!
The best thing about being tall and bald is that people just think you are tall.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline? “I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine”.
You are so bald when you wear a turtle neck; you look like roll-on deodorant.
You’re so bare, I can rub your head to see into the future.
Doctor, doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag.
Bald men are meant to be more virile. The problem is they never get the chance to prove it.
What do you call a bald man on a windy day? Fortunate.
Why are people really worried about this recession? They fear that they may go bald.
Why are all the dead sinners bald? Because they have hell toupee.
What happened in the argument between a bald person and their hair? They had a falling out.
What should you not say when you’re arguing with a bald person? Hair me out.
A guy with three hairs goes to the barbers. He says, “I want a trim then one to the left, one to the right and one down the middle.” The barber gets stared, but one of the hairs falls out. “OK,” says the guy, “finish the trim and I’ll have one to the left and one to the right.” A second hair falls out. “Never mind,” says the guy, “just leave it messy.”
Men who are bald on top are great thinkers and men who are bald on the back of their heads are great lovers. Men who are bald on the top and the back think they are great lovers.
Best bald comedians
Bald comedians don’t tend to make jokes about baldness too much, although they might reference it. However, there are some incredible comics who are bald, and it’s worth highlighting just how many of the best comedians have no hair.
Bill Burr
Bill Burr is a popular stand-up comedian and comic actor who has performed stand up for 30+ years. He has a number of Netflix specials, as well as appearing in multiple movies and TV shows.
Here’s a clip of his podcast where he talks about going bald in his own, inimitable style:
George Carlin
A highly prominent and respected comedian (with quite the foul mouth), George Carlin was regarded as one of the most influential stand-up comics ever.
But he wasn’t a fan of white men shaving their hair bald, despite his own hair loss, as this old clip shows:
Dave Chapelle
Often ranked as one of the best comedians in the world, Dave Chapelle has worked on sketch comedy and standup as well as several movie and TV roles.
He’s won multiple awards and while he has attracted some controversy, he still has immense popularity both with the public and with other comics.
Jeff Ross
Jeff Ross has sported some… interesting hairstyles in his career as a roast comic, but for a while now he has embraced the bald look. He doesn’t make many jokes about it, though he receives plenty – that’s the nature of roast comedy, which is all about insults.
Dara O’Briain
O’Briain is an Irish comic who is primarily popular in the UK, although he has several world tours under his belt. As well as stand-up, he hosts panel shows and some science shows. He is often the brunt of jokes from other panelists, including about his head – though more about the size than being bald.
Steve Harvey
A TV show host and actor as much as he is a comedian, Harvey is probably best known for his work as Family Feud host, where he often has to deal with questions and jokes about bald heads.
Is it ok to joke about bald people?
Whether it’s OK to joke about bald people depends on the context. You shouldn’t make a joke about someone being bald without knowing them very well and knowing they would take it in the intended spirit. Many people are sensitive about hair loss, and malicious jokes about baldness are discriminatory.
Context really is key here, but if you’re with friends and you enjoy insulting each other for fun, and you know that the bald people in your group aren’t upset about being bald, then it’s OK to make those jokes.
Outside of that, you really shouldn’t. You shouldn’t make jokes about baldness to people you don’t know, or that might be sensitive to their baldness. It’s pretty cruel, when you think about it.
This was covered on a UK morning news programme back in 2019 – there was a debate about whether it was offensive to make jokes about baldness. This came after Gary Lineker, a former soccer player and sports program host, made some jokes about his colleagues during a show.
Here’s the debate:
And here are the jokes, if you want to judge for yourself:
As you can see, the pundits on the receiving end take the jokes in good spirits – one of them can’t even help but laugh.
Summary
Bald jokes have been around a long time, so you’ve probably heard a lot yourself already. But instead of jokes with a punchline, it’s often more about nicknames or baldness insults.
Whether you think these are acceptable is a matter of personal taste. But if someone ever pushes the limits, ask them if they would say the same thing to Jason Statham. Then you’ll see how they really feel!
